I AM The Redheaded Step-Child!

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Whenever the word "step" precedes either of the words "child" or "father" or "mother" the first thought that pops into mind is "evil." Not just because of reading and watching the fairytale Cinderella, but usually because we have our experiences with step-parents that further enhance the impugned reputation of the step-parent. In this day in age with the high rate of divorce and "previous relationship" category sex, almost everyone on the planet has some association or connection with a step-parent. Even some frozen popsicle babies waiting to be thawed and baked in a uterus have a step-parent waiting for their arrival.

I myself have step parent(s). My step-father and mother have been married since I was nine and my father has tormented me with three step-mothers since the age of six. My parents were high school sweethearts which bionic hormones who started a family prematurely which led to the demise of their marriage. Unfortunately, like most dimwitted kids who suddenly find themselves with added responsibility they were too immature to handle, they bitterly parted ways. The young, good looking, healthy and unattached people –and oh yeah my parents – decided to yield to human nature and seek out companionship. Who wouldn't? I mean, little kids can be aggravating. Getting laid every now and then can ease up some of that tension caused by a toddler's day-to-day activities. However, my father went off to serve in the U.S. Navy, my mother went to work and I ended up with my paternal grandparents with regular visits to my mother and maternal relatives.

My father came home from the Navy and bedded the first on the list of step-mothers. He became a step-father to her daughter from a previous relationship and they all ended up moving in together when she got pregnant. They all lived together in a nice apartment (a REALLY nice apartment on the rare occasion she cleaned it) in a section of Brooklyn about three miles away from the nice apartment I lived with my elderly and still working grandparents. WTF? Question: Why would a man who was living in what appeared to be a wholesome and traditional family environment complete with the cookie-cutter Mother figure, sibling and Father figure (all that was missing was a dog, white picket fence and a minivan) play daddy to someone else's child (even paying for her to attend private school) while his own biological child was going to public school and living with his parents. I won't use my words. I'll give you my grandmother's: "because she was a bitch, that's bloody why!" The "bitch" my grandmother referred to? The woman my father refused to marry (technically he couldn't, he was still legally married to my mother . . .) couldn't stand me (trust me, the feeling is more than fucking mutual). I was 6-years-old and she tried every way she could to annihilate my father's relationship with me. It even irked her to her evil core that I lived with my grandparents at all – after an episode where her horns sprouted my grandfather instilled a ban preventing her from being a guest in his home altogether. That woman always presented a façade of being the sweet and nice June Cleaver and as soon as she felt no one was looking – her true persona: Low-Budget Cruella DeVille would quickly fade in. She constantly verbally assaulted me to make me cry. I was a smart cookie though – I told everyone about her bullshit. One day she graduated to physical and it was over from there. My aunts got involved. HAHA! My grandparents' relationship with their son was even strained as they constantly reprimanded him for "throwing away his child." After a year or so of allowing her jealousy to control and manifest her maniacal manipulating games – my father hit her with walking papers. What would have happened to me had my grandparents not been there to take care of me while my mother was MIA? Would that "bitch" have succeeded in whatever her demented mind plotted against little me?

Next was my mother's turn. After she floated through a series of loser boyfriends, she landed a sucker that was not only willing to put up with her high-maintenance drama, but loved her so much – he accepted the fact that she had a daughter from a previous marriage. I'm not going to speak too ill of my step-father. He was just weird. I attribute it to the fact that he grew up the last child of five kids and didn't get out much. This is not one of those step-daddy horror stories involving sexual abuse. This is was another kind of abuse. Neglect. My mother catered to his every desire. I truly believe, the only reason my mother insisted I live with her was to benefit from the tax deduction. Other than that I was on my own. They have been married twenty something years and I still consider that man to be a completely separate entity bearing no kind of emotional attachment. I truly believe that should he kick the bucket, I'd probably just send my mother a condolence card call it day. We just never clicked like that and we lived in the same house for a number of years. I spent a lot of time with my next door neighbor – eating, sleeping, movies, mall, etc. (that neighbor is on my Top Friends list . . . whoever figures it out first; I'll send you a signed copy of my book) – we even watched our Saturday morning cartoons with the big bowls of sugary cereal together. If it weren't for my good friend and her parents that took me along with them everywhere – I'd probably be nuttier than I am today. I still love them dearly. From early on – I always knew that my mother's marriage was her first priority. By any means necessary. I had stay quiet and do as she said. I can tell you- it wasn't long before that rebellious blood kicked in and I was back on that one-way flight to Brooklyn. What happened to the Brady Bunch? If it weren't for the folks in Brooklyn, I know I would have married the first motherfucker that looked my way to get the hell away from them.

When I got involved with my baby daddy – who is eight years my senior – he was already a father. I figured I loved him – I had to love his kids – and I did. I never had problems with them. However, when we broke up and he bagged his last live in – she had problems with his kids. I won't go into the things she has done but to put it in a nutshell, let's just say – she is not well liked, well received or even welcomed. She reminded me of my second step mother. Ms. Hateful and Selfish. Ms. Hateful and Selfish can't stand to have anyone near the Man. She wants him all for herself. Like my father – my baby daddy spent a lot of years with the hateful and selfish woman. This is something I don't understand – could a pussy with heavy mileage turn a man out so bad that he forsakes his family and children for it? Or was it voodoo? Man, that's bull doo doo . . . (couldn't help that *snicker*)

My own kids reacted to a step-father differently. Rick was six when I got married so he felt it more. Rick was not a bratty kid – just a kid. He needed love and attention. My husband was too immature and selfish to understand that. I kept bombarding me with comments like "that boy needs to know that we need to have a life too!" I responded to Mr. Hateful and Selfish, "You met me as a mother and you knew we all were a package deal. You accepted it and now you want to talk shit! He's too young to think about acknowledging your damn sex needs." I wasn't willing to do to my son what my mother did to me. I would never say that my kids caused a rift in my marriage because they didn't. My husband, figured I would do like my mother and what his mother did and probably a whole bunch of other mothers did - get married and shift the responsibility to another relative. Fat Fucking Chance. My kids didn't ask to be born.

DISCUSSION: There are too many stories of step parents harming and even killing the offspring of their significant other. How did a "step" relationship affect you? Step-parents are notorious for all kinds of abuse including sexual. What would you say to your natural parent if you could? There are lots of good step-families. Will & Jada Pinkett-Smith has even deleted the word "step" from their extended family unit and re-dubbed it "Bonus Parent" or "Bonus Child" – I want to hear the POSITIVE stories too!